What Did He Do Next, Kick a Puppy?

“My guy had the misfortune of being the only one who was on videotape buying plastic explosives and dynamite and machine guns. And he said on tape, ‘It’s for people who don’t pay their dues.’”

–Michael D. Monico

Let the Record Show that the Witness is, in Fact, Not Dead

Q: Have you ever been a resident of the Mt. Auburn Cemetery?

A: No.

Q: Have you ever given a contrary statement?

A: Yes.

Opposing Counsel: Your Honor, could we have a sidebar?

–Tornabene v. Paramedic Services of Illinois, Inc., as recounted by Michael J. Morrissey

Chicken or the Egg

“And, finally, this was the point that could be hammered on in closing argument and in our experts’ rebuttal testimony: The only evidence in the record or in fact that supported any diagnosis of mental disease or defect in John Gacy was the 33 murders themselves.”

–William J. Kunkle

And That’s Tough to Get Out of Those White Smocks

“I cross-examined a nurse one time and I intended to be all soft and kind and loving hugs, and she started getting snarly with me and arguing and before I knew it there was blood everywhere.”

–Robert A. Clifford

Magdalene Takes the Stand

“I basically said to him, “You have testified as an expert in ten cases in the context of deaths while in police custody . . . . At no time have you testified on behalf of the plaintiff in a case in the context of death while in police custody, is that accurate?’

‘Yes.’

We knew, of course, that was accurate. So we had him then as a whore.”

–James D. Montgomery

They’re Just Giving Those Nobel Prizes Away These Days

“I believe the jury truly enjoyed the spectacle of a Nobel Prize winner stumped when asked for an explanation of why movie theaters had cheaper tickets for adults and seniors . . . . One of the jurors, who had been a model of decorum, tried valiantly to conceal her laughter.”

–Charles W. Douglas

Guess You Had to be There

“The Panzcko brothers, Pops and Peanuts, were legendary Chicago burglars . . . Panzcko actually had the jury laughing about events, including the robbery of a Catholic rectory on Easter.”

–Marc W. Martin

Priceless

“The agent who had the instinct to follow the defendant made the cross-examination easy. It was so easy that at the jury instruction conference, the trial judge, Frank McGarr, told me that I should not even charge the federal government for that day of service because the work was too easy and I had too much fun.”

–Gordon B. Nash, Jr.

That’s the sort of Thinking that Earned the Lord His MBA

“One summer night in Georgia, God spoke to Homer Tomkins (not his real name) as he enjoyed the evening’s breeze while drifting in a canoe on his private lake. ‘Homer,’ spoke the Almighty, ‘I want you to build a hospital on the shores of these waters.’ By early morning, God finished His detailed instructions for Homer’s hospital, specified the number of beds, revealed His wishes for a modern cancer center and state-of-the-art radiation therapy device, and directed Homer to go forth among the common folk to fund his endeavor. ‘Debt financing would be the way to go,’ suggested the Lord.”

–Robert F. Coleman

When is the Occasion NOT Appropriate?

“The next morning found me in court watching Frank [Oliver], who was wearing a cape, an amber amulet, and dressed to the nines. That’s right. Frank wore a cape and an amber amulet, and if my memory is correct, he sometimes carried a walking stick—if the occasion was appropriate.”

–Thomas Anthony Durkin